that, my friends, is how long I lived in fear of pretty much
everything. I an an only child. I didn't have a big brother to toughen
me up by insisting I play basketball with him, or throw the ball and
ride bikes after school everyday. I didn't have my brothers friends
playing pranks on me, or putting frogs in my room when I wasn't
looking. I also didn't have to fight over barbies with my sister. I'll
admit, I was spoiled and got pretty much what I wanted, within reason.
What does this all mean, you ask? I was scared of the dark. Like,
majorly! I always had a nightlight. I didn't go downstairs in our
house alone. This was one of the top 5 reasons my mother moved us into
a one story house. She was tired of having to go with me everwhere,
much less me following her around. I was scared of noises. I hear
everything! I jumped at any little noise I heard. "mom, what was
that?" I wore that phrase out. I'll never forget when Derek stafford
(a boy who went to my school) blew his arm off one Halloween with a
pipe bomb. I was one street away from where it happened. I have been
scared if halloween since.
I was a pretty inquisitive kid, and my parents are pretty
knowledgable, so whenever I asked questions, I usually got a pretty
good answer. I also have a really good memory, so when my father told
me scary stories or gave me an answer for why the helicopter had a
really bright spotlight shining in the woods at night, I remembered.
(they're looking for bad people, aka prisoners, in my mind).
So, you're probably wondering why I'm telling you I was a dorky kid
who was scared of life. This is sorta my last resort. A cry for help,
so to speak. Lately I have felt I am in 2nd grade again, and I'm
scared of my own shadow. It started when we moved into our house. I
insisted we get blinds on all the windows immediately because I am
afraid people are watching me. We got our alarm system set up and now
we have a dog. But, since then our alarm has randomly gone off in the
wee hours of the morning twice. I am paranoid! At every sound I mute
the tv, and my heart sorta skips a beat, and I listen for something
that was probably the wind. I don't like the dark so I bought timers
for my lamps. Our back ally is pitch black, so we installed lights on
every corner of the house. Its like a prison out there now. I am
scared to be by myself. It's so crazy!
I know I should not live with this much anxiety, and fear. I really
don't like the word fear, it's sorta strong. It's not like I'm scared
for my life, but I also start to think about Anne Presslys story.
Attacked in her own home, and killed. I know that's extreme, but it
goes through my head a lot. I think what gets me in trouble is my
mind. I hear one thing and my mind goes crazy. Scenarios start playing
in my head, and the next thing I know, I'm convinced someone is trying
to get me!
So, at this point you're thinking, "Allison, you need therapy.". Maybe
I do... But mostly I'm asking for prayer. I try to pray when I'm
scared and anxious, and it mostly calms me down. I just know that when
duck season arrives and bill is gone for days at a time, the thoughts
will probably return. I have to get past this, i don't want my kids to
think I'm a weenie! :)
Anyways, bill will probably think I crazy for writing this, but I
think I'm due for some gun training at the shooting range. I mean we
are in Texas and everyone carries a gun right? Never too late to be
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